Jest Accolades

Pride and Prejudice – Translated For Guys

(Another one, from my previous blog)

Disclaimer: This translation is super-naïve & to the best of my understanding. I do not take responsibility for any emotional wreckage one may suffer.

Jane Austen is best known as the creator of the Looney Tunes show. She tried to take her career elsewhere by writing fake-tearjerkers like Pride & Prejudice, but was horsewhipped by an angry mob & was flooded with ‘fan mails’ reading “Stick to the cartoons, bitch!”. Her books, however, got popular with retarded little girls who feign elegance & believe they will find ‘love’ someday (yes, the ugly loners). You have to be a total dullard and devoid of all self-respect to read this book or watch the movie. It’s every girls favorite.

Never have I read a story that reeks of desperation more than this.

The Bennet family has five daughters. All opportunistic sluts. Wondering where it comes from? Their mother, who is conveniently a pimp.

New neighbors move in town. Correction: New, FILTHY FUCKIN’ RICH neighbors move in town, with all their filthy fuckin’ richness tucked in their butt crack. So, it’s game time for gold diggers aka the Bennet bitches. Rich folks come in a pair of three. Lame-Casual Dude, his Snooty–Bitch sister, & the gasbag, Fitzwilliam Darcy (Imagine living with that name! Fitzwilliam! lol).

In a This-Is-The-Best-We-Have party (see ball), the pimp mom of the Bennet family eagerly waits for LCD (Lame-Casual Dude) to show up. He makes an Everybody-Stop-Dancing-And-Look-At-Me entrance in the ballroom. Pimp Bennet introduces her eldest daughter to LCD. He falls in love with her IMMEDIATELY! Classic! Darcy does not find any woman in the room bang-able. Therefore, he leaves.

Later, Pimp Bennet makes an elaborate scheme to send her eldest daughter to LCD’s crib. Eldest slut falls sick upon reaching LCD’s crib, as planned. Elizabeth, the female protagonist, second to the eldest daughter, comes to visit her sister at LCDs’. However, her intention is much darker. She actually comes to seduce Darcy because he did not find any women at the ball attractive. Even HER! But LCD’s BS (baby sister) keeps distracting Elizabeth by asking her to run laps around the room, because they had no Internet back then, so running around was the coolest thing to do. Darcy admires both ladies on how graceful they look in their miniskirts, to which Elizabeth bemock’s him by saying she wants to put on weight, & Darcy responds “My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” then winks & sniff’s some cocaine.


The rugged military studs keep visiting the town to hit on maidens. To their surprise, they find the maidens pouncing on them even before they’ve brought out their ace-moves (see how classic this book is). The Bennet daughters had a slutty duo that always competed on who can surpass the other in terms of slutiness. They never missed an opportunity to hit on a Solider. They find one worthy assface called Weak-Ham. Later Elizabeth meets him to judge whether she should have him herself or leave him for her sisters. Ham tells her an overwhelming story about Darcy & his cruelty where Darcy gave him the finger after his father’s death while he should’ve made him a Clergyman (see Laughing Stock). Thus, Elizabeth gets a new conversation starter with Darcy next time she meets him in her Darcy-seducing endeavors. They meet at a High School graduation party hosted by LCD. There, Darcy “wishes” to dance with Elizabeth. She gives in (Duh!). They dance to Elvis’ ‘Hound dog’ track. Next day, Darcy leaves with LCD & his BS!

But you didn’t think Bennets’ were quitters, did you? The eldest daughter sets out with her GPS to find LCD, because she had already bugged him earlier. And Elizabeth goes to a friend’s crib, who married a dude Elizabeth had once dumped because he wasn’t rich or good looking. There she finds Darcy, the dunce, who seems more cordial than before. During Elizabeth’s stay, one day, Darcy decides to confess his love for Elizabeth, to Elizabeth (Oh, didn’t you know? Darcy is in love with Elizabeth now). But suddenly Elizabeth hates Darcy, because she finds out Darcy had influenced LCD to leave town because he didn’t find Elizabeth’s sister hot enough for his friend to get married. So Elizabeth gives Darcy the “Kiss my ass!” attitude. Darcy leaves the same night but leaves a letter for Elizabeth in which he “exposes” Weak-Ham (probablyly, some nude pictures from their childhood).

Then Elizabeth does what women do best – she’s confused! But she’s, most definitely, in love with Darcy, AGAIN! (This story just keeps getting better)

Meanwhile in Gotham city, one of the featherbrain Bennet siblings has eloped with Weak-Ham. Darcy finds them right away, because he’s rich & knows people in high places. Then he uses reverse psychology on her by telling her NOT TO tell Elizabeth about it. She does. As soon as Elizabeth hears it, she has an orgasm. She can’t help herself from admiring Darcy for his “selfless” deed. She now longs to meet him. Darcy the Psychic/Wizard suddenly appears out of thin air with LCD in their living room on the pretext to reunite LCD with the elder hussy. Then gawks at Elizabeth like the ill-bred sleazeball he is. She does the same, because she is a ball of sleaze, as well.

Then they realize they must talk (make love). So Elizabeth walks out to some remote meadow 5000 miles away (she was very fond of walking, you see). Super Darcy flies there too. Then, after a few seconds of cold, sexy stares & non-verbal communication, this happens…


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