Jest Accolades

The Diary of Anne Frank – Translated for Guys

(From my previous blog)

Caution: This article contains coarse language & this translation is for straight up beer guzzling, animal hunting, women’s wrestling enjoying stereotypical-men. So girls can read at their own whim.

Note: If you haven’t read this book already, Don’t - It sucks!

It’s one of those World War II “Let’s not escape while we can, but stay in Germany & complain about Hitler’s inhumane reign” stories. It’s about a young girl, 13 at the time, who kept a “secret” diary, which she referred to as Kitty.

The theme of this yawn-inspiring story is, Hitler is at the top of his game & this crybaby Jewish family has to go into hiding just to stay safe – But later gets caught & they die anyway so, good move Jewish dipshits.

The story is in two parts.

Part I:
It’s the morning of Anne’s birthday where some asshole had the brilliant idea of giving this airhead a diary, which she totally filled up with juvenile erotica (Popularly called ‘Puppy Love’).

In the beginning, they’re one happy family where Anne has unconditional love for her father & despises her mother completely. She is quite the hip chick at school & every pea-brain wants to bang her & guess what? Like every manipulative bitch of that age (or any age for that matter), she too enjoys that attention to the fullest. Way to go girl!

Part II:
Hitler is enraged, Jews are about to get their ass kicked, big time. Anne & her family move to confinement in the attic of her father’s office building with another family, who have a 15-year-old dickhead for a son named Peter.

Anne can’t really stand anyone except her father, but later gives him the finger too.

Throughout the story she keeps nagging & complaining about how her life sucks (suck it up bitch!).

Anne’s older sister has hots for this dickwad Peter. Let’s face it, they were gonna be trapped for a long time. Her choices were limited. Somehow, over time, living through all the hardships & semi-nudity, Anne starts to get all hot for this guy too & before you know it, they’re making out. And, being the sweet little girl Anne is, she writes about it to Kitty. There is also a part where she describes her pubescent curiosities from her pre-confinement days which goes something like:

(Day 1)
Dear Kitty,
I have tits now. I’m not sure how they work. I’d like to discuss it with one of my girlfriends, but I’m afraid it’ll be frowned upon, but hee-hee, I’ll do it anyway at tonight’s slumber party.

(Day 2)
Dear Kitty,
My friend didn’t let me grope her tits. What a bitch!
I guess all I can do now is read more about adulthood from the erotica’s that dad forbids me from reading.

Later, Anne is all over Peter & Peter is all over Anne, literally. Her older sister has turned to ‘miserable bitch’ all thanks to Anne & Anne is secretly happy about it. Finally, Hitler’s Nazi homeboys find the family & take them to military camps where she, her sister & mother die from illness, but somehow her father is the only one who survives.

The actual diary ends abruptly since the family gets caught (bummer), but the publisher gave us more facts on the post capture trauma of Anne’s family because they thought we cared.

Her father came back to the hideout after the war & received this diary from a woman called Miep Gies who had helped shelter this family during their days of incarceration.

Dad reads about his younger daughter’s revelations, sheds some pansy tears & shares this classified info with one of his friends (way to go dad), who gives him the initiative to get it published.

                                 

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