Hardknok
Call of Duty
(Single)
Unfair
Imagine yourself in a dark, underground cellar with goo dripping off the walls, echoic droplets in contagious silence and rats. Then, you hear a strange groaning and dragging footsteps heading towards you from the directionless darkness… and before you know it, IT’S A ZOMBIE ATTACK! BUT INSTEAD OF ZOMBIES, IT’S LADY GAGA LOOK-ALIKES COMING FOR YOUAAAHHHHHH!
Such was my experience when I visited the book fair this year: lame horror. It began with the first stall where I saw ALL of Chetan Bhagat books published with new covers and subtly incorporated tri colors of our flag and a whole section dedicated to him. It wasn’t even called ‘Indian Writing’, just ‘Chetan Bhagat’. I didn’t let that ruin my fair joy. I swiftly moved to other stalls, only to disappoint myself further. Every stall had the same stupid stacked aplenty. Most disappointing was the stall called ‘Oxford’ which was the highest hoarder of his dying-to-be-Bollywood-scripts. All teens had actually come to buy exactly those!
Finally, the whole experience soured with a garnish of gay when I came across these: 
Pride and Prejudice – Translated For Guys
(Another one, from my previous blog)
Disclaimer: This translation is super-naïve & to the best of my understanding. I do not take responsibility for any emotional wreckage one may suffer.
Jane Austen is best known as the creator of the Looney Tunes show. She tried to take her career elsewhere by writing fake-tearjerkers like Pride & Prejudice, but was horsewhipped by an angry mob & was flooded with ‘fan mails’ reading “Stick to the cartoons, bitch!”. Her books, however, got popular with retarded little girls who feign elegance & believe they will find ‘love’ someday (yes, the ugly loners). You have to be a total dullard and devoid of all self-respect to read this book or watch the movie. It’s every girls favorite.
Never have I read a story that reeks of desperation more than this.
The Bennet family has five daughters. All opportunistic sluts. Wondering where it comes from? Their mother, who is conveniently a pimp.
New neighbors move in town. Correction: New, FILTHY FUCKIN’ RICH neighbors move in town, with all their filthy fuckin’ richness tucked in their butt crack. So, it’s game time for gold diggers aka the Bennet bitches. Rich folks come in a pair of three. Lame-Casual Dude, his Snooty–Bitch sister, & the gasbag, Fitzwilliam Darcy (Imagine living with that name! Fitzwilliam! lol).
In a This-Is-The-Best-We-Have party (see ball), the pimp mom of the Bennet family eagerly waits for LCD (Lame-Casual Dude) to show up. He makes an Everybody-Stop-Dancing-And-Look-At-Me entrance in the ballroom. Pimp Bennet introduces her eldest daughter to LCD. He falls in love with her IMMEDIATELY! Classic! Darcy does not find any woman in the room bang-able. Therefore, he leaves.
Later, Pimp Bennet makes an elaborate scheme to send her eldest daughter to LCD’s crib. Eldest slut falls sick upon reaching LCD’s crib, as planned. Elizabeth, the female protagonist, second to the eldest daughter, comes to visit her sister at LCDs’. However, her intention is much darker. She actually comes to seduce Darcy because he did not find any women at the ball attractive. Even HER! But LCD’s BS (baby sister) keeps distracting Elizabeth by asking her to run laps around the room, because they had no Internet back then, so running around was the coolest thing to do. Darcy admires both ladies on how graceful they look in their miniskirts, to which Elizabeth bemock’s him by saying she wants to put on weight, & Darcy responds “My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” then winks & sniff’s some cocaine.
The rugged military studs keep visiting the town to hit on maidens. To their surprise, they find the maidens pouncing on them even before they’ve brought out their ace-moves (see how classic this book is). The Bennet daughters had a slutty duo that always competed on who can surpass the other in terms of slutiness. They never missed an opportunity to hit on a Solider. They find one worthy assface called Weak-Ham. Later Elizabeth meets him to judge whether she should have him herself or leave him for her sisters. Ham tells her an overwhelming story about Darcy & his cruelty where Darcy gave him the finger after his father’s death while he should’ve made him a Clergyman (see Laughing Stock). Thus, Elizabeth gets a new conversation starter with Darcy next time she meets him in her Darcy-seducing endeavors. They meet at a High School graduation party hosted by LCD. There, Darcy “wishes” to dance with Elizabeth. She gives in (Duh!). They dance to Elvis’ ‘Hound dog’ track. Next day, Darcy leaves with LCD & his BS!
But you didn’t think Bennets’ were quitters, did you? The eldest daughter sets out with her GPS to find LCD, because she had already bugged him earlier. And Elizabeth goes to a friend’s crib, who married a dude Elizabeth had once dumped because he wasn’t rich or good looking. There she finds Darcy, the dunce, who seems more cordial than before. During Elizabeth’s stay, one day, Darcy decides to confess his love for Elizabeth, to Elizabeth (Oh, didn’t you know? Darcy is in love with Elizabeth now). But suddenly Elizabeth hates Darcy, because she finds out Darcy had influenced LCD to leave town because he didn’t find Elizabeth’s sister hot enough for his friend to get married. So Elizabeth gives Darcy the “Kiss my ass!” attitude. Darcy leaves the same night but leaves a letter for Elizabeth in which he “exposes” Weak-Ham (probablyly, some nude pictures from their childhood).
Then Elizabeth does what women do best – she’s confused! But she’s, most definitely, in love with Darcy, AGAIN! (This story just keeps getting better)
Meanwhile in Gotham city, one of the featherbrain Bennet siblings has eloped with Weak-Ham. Darcy finds them right away, because he’s rich & knows people in high places. Then he uses reverse psychology on her by telling her NOT TO tell Elizabeth about it. She does. As soon as Elizabeth hears it, she has an orgasm. She can’t help herself from admiring Darcy for his “selfless” deed. She now longs to meet him. Darcy the Psychic/Wizard suddenly appears out of thin air with LCD in their living room on the pretext to reunite LCD with the elder hussy. Then gawks at Elizabeth like the ill-bred sleazeball he is. She does the same, because she is a ball of sleaze, as well.
Then they realize they must talk (make love). So Elizabeth walks out to some remote meadow 5000 miles away (she was very fond of walking, you see). Super Darcy flies there too. Then, after a few seconds of cold, sexy stares & non-verbal communication, this happens…
The Diary of Anne Frank – Translated for Guys
(From my previous blog)
Caution: This article contains coarse language & this translation is for straight up beer guzzling, animal hunting, women’s wrestling enjoying stereotypical-men. So girls can read at their own whim.
Note: If you haven’t read this book already, Don’t - It sucks!
It’s one of those World War II “Let’s not escape while we can, but stay in Germany & complain about Hitler’s inhumane reign” stories. It’s about a young girl, 13 at the time, who kept a “secret” diary, which she referred to as Kitty.
The theme of this yawn-inspiring story is, Hitler is at the top of his game & this crybaby Jewish family has to go into hiding just to stay safe – But later gets caught & they die anyway so, good move Jewish dipshits.
The story is in two parts.
Part I:
It’s the morning of Anne’s birthday where some asshole had the brilliant idea of giving this airhead a diary, which she totally filled up with juvenile erotica (Popularly called ‘Puppy Love’).
In the beginning, they’re one happy family where Anne has unconditional love for her father & despises her mother completely. She is quite the hip chick at school & every pea-brain wants to bang her & guess what? Like every manipulative bitch of that age (or any age for that matter), she too enjoys that attention to the fullest. Way to go girl!
Part II:
Hitler is enraged, Jews are about to get their ass kicked, big time. Anne & her family move to confinement in the attic of her father’s office building with another family, who have a 15-year-old dickhead for a son named Peter.
Anne can’t really stand anyone except her father, but later gives him the finger too.
Throughout the story she keeps nagging & complaining about how her life sucks (suck it up bitch!).
Anne’s older sister has hots for this dickwad Peter. Let’s face it, they were gonna be trapped for a long time. Her choices were limited. Somehow, over time, living through all the hardships & semi-nudity, Anne starts to get all hot for this guy too & before you know it, they’re making out. And, being the sweet little girl Anne is, she writes about it to Kitty. There is also a part where she describes her pubescent curiosities from her pre-confinement days which goes something like:
(Day 1)
Dear Kitty,
I have tits now. I’m not sure how they work. I’d like to discuss it with one of my girlfriends, but I’m afraid it’ll be frowned upon, but hee-hee, I’ll do it anyway at tonight’s slumber party.
(Day 2)
Dear Kitty,
My friend didn’t let me grope her tits. What a bitch!
I guess all I can do now is read more about adulthood from the erotica’s that dad forbids me from reading.
Later, Anne is all over Peter & Peter is all over Anne, literally. Her older sister has turned to ‘miserable bitch’ all thanks to Anne & Anne is secretly happy about it. Finally, Hitler’s Nazi homeboys find the family & take them to military camps where she, her sister & mother die from illness, but somehow her father is the only one who survives.
The actual diary ends abruptly since the family gets caught (bummer), but the publisher gave us more facts on the post capture trauma of Anne’s family because they thought we cared.
Her father came back to the hideout after the war & received this diary from a woman called Miep Gies who had helped shelter this family during their days of incarceration.
Dad reads about his younger daughter’s revelations, sheds some pansy tears & shares this classified info with one of his friends (way to go dad), who gives him the initiative to get it published.
Yes, MS Word, that was it.
What I thought a ‘flash mob’ was.
